SENIOR CITIZEN from Warren Edwards

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one...there's hundreds of them!"

BACKFIRE GAG

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a large pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen. -- Anonymous

A lawyer took his client ice fishing. While they were sitting around the hole in the ice, a polar bear, with a hungry look in his eye, started charging them from a half-mile off. The lawyer immediately pulled off his ice boots and started putting on a pair of tennis sneakers.

The client said, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar bear, their top speed is 50 miles an hour!"

The lawyer calmly replied, "I don't have to outrun him - I just have to outrun you!"

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway.Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

The attorney said, "I'll take it."

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two ns.
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee ajoule
The checker poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants too pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

The Tax Collector's Creed

Now he's a common, common man So tax him, tax him, all you can. Tax his house, Tax his bed; Tax the bald spot on his head. Tax his drink, Tax his meat, Tax the shoes right off his feet. Tax his cow, Tax his goat; Tax his pants, Tax his coat; Tax his crop, Tax his work; Tax his ties, Tax his shirt; Tax his chew, Tax his smoke, Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule; Tell him: "Taxing is the rule!" Tax his oil, Tax his gas, Tax his notes, Tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, Tax him more; Tax him till he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove him to his doom." Even when he's gone, we won't relax -- We'll still collect inheritance tax.

Sing these words to the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies:

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed
But then one day he talked to a recruiter
Who said, "You'll make the big bucks if ya work on a computer"
Unix, that is . . . Workstations . . . Networks . . .

Well, the next thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer
The kinfolk said, "Hey, Jed, move away from here!"
They said "California is the place you oughta be"
So he loaded up the truck and moved to the Valley
Silicon, that is . . . Intel . . . Pentium . . .

On the first day at work, they stuck him in a cube
Fed him lots of doughnuts and sat him at a tube
They said, "your project's late, but we know just what to do
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is . . . unpaid . . . mandatory . . .

The weeks went by and things were looking bad
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad
They called another meeting and decided on a fix
The answer was so simple: "We'll work him 66!"
Tired that is . . . stressed out . . . no social life . . .

Months turned into years and his hair was turning grey
Jed worked hard while his life was slippin' away
Waiting to retire when he turned 64
Instead he got a call and was escorted to the door
Terminated, that is . . . pink-slipped . . . unemployed . . .

Now the moral of this story is to listen when you're told
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm
Compete with your old company and watch the bosses squirm!
Millionaires, that is . . . Ross Perot . . . Bill Gates . . .

Y'all hack code now, yak hear!

Anonymous

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia. . .

U. Gogh

The brother who accidentally bleachedall his clothes white . . .

Hue Gogh

The real obnoxious brother . . .

Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes . . .

Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a conveniencestore. . .

Stop N. Gogh

His dizzy aunt . . .

Verti Go

The cousin who moved to Illinois. . .

Chica Gogh

His magician uncle . . .

Wherediddy Gogh

The nephew that drove a stagecoach . . .

Wells Far Gogh

The aunt who loved ballroom dancing. . .

Tan Gogh

His ornithologist uncle . . .

Flamin Gogh

His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst. . .

E. Gogh

His cousin who loved tropical fruits. . .

Mang Gogh

And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking

Way Too Gogh

His bouncy young nephew . . .

Poe Gogh

His Disco-loving sister . . .

Go Gogh

And his niece, who's been travelling the U.S. in a van . . .

Winnie Bay Gogh

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, The three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travelon only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers craminto a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed,the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest roomdoor and says, "ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel withouta ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers scram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

Yesterday,
All those back-ups seemed a wasteof pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there usedto be.
And there's a milestone hanging overme.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong.
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone.
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so faraway.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Two golfers are on the tee box getting ready to tee off, when all of sudden, a funeral procession was making it's way down the road that ran along side the golf course. When the hearst got near where the two golfers were standing, the one golfer took his hat off, placed it across his heart and bowed his head. After the procession had driven off, the other golfer turned to his partner and said, "That was very nice of you"

"What do you mean", said the other golfer.

"The way you showed your respect for that funeral procession that just drove by", said the other golfer.

With that, the other golfer turned and said, "What did you expect, I was married to her for 35 years"!

If you have any jokes, puns, one-liners or amusing anecdotes that you would like to share, please feel free to e-mail them to us and we'll be happy to put them on this page with recognition of your submission. Our only request is that your entries be funny, (or a reasonable facsimile thereof), and above all else, please keep them clean. Thank you!

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